Coming out of the Closet

Dear Wearer, 

I am writing on behalf of the entire Closet so that we may address the many comments and complaints dating from 28 September, 2012 to the present. I would like to point out that I have never written a letter like this. In fact, I have never written a letter at all. Mostly, this is due to my lack of hands. But, drastic times call for drastic measures. As your favorite pair of Skinny Jeans, it falls to me to shed some overhead light on the situation in here. While we have have been gathering dust, you have been gathering hamburgers. So put down that double-double, and allow me to speak plainly here—you are much too large to fit into your clothes!

At first, We, Your Closet, understood that there would be some hang-time involved during your pregnancy. We knew this would take the full nine months (ten, depending on how your are counting. Or 21 if you’re an elephant…which you might just be.), and we were prepared for the wait. However, now that your legs are a more normal, human size, we thought that we would be able to go out once again. We were all looking forward to trips to the mall, date night, and seeing Star Trek: Into Darkness the required 12 times. 

As you are fully aware, NONE OF THIS HAS HAPPENED. 

You intentionally and thoughtlessly pass us by each and every day as you reach for that 75% poly/blend, 100% smug Maternity Shirt with the milk stains. This behavior is unacceptable—and embarrassing. Where you once happily left the house donned in a smart outfit provided by us, the plaintiffs, Your Closet, you can now be found in a constant state of pajama-bottomed, vomit-stained bagginess. Your Hot Little Black Dress is feeling blue, and Sassy Sun Dress is really under the weather these days. 

To the point, Wearer, how long is losing this “baby weight” going to take you?

In your defense, your favorite Overalls did some research, and we now know that breastfeeding requires more calories than what you were consuming while preggo. However, myself and others question whether or not your secret stash of 3 Musketeers candy bars hidden underneath Han Solo T-shirt is the appropriate caloric intake. The information provided to us by your Workout Clothes suggest that without exercise, this extra processed sugar will not assist you in losing your baby weight, thus keeping all of us in the dark for yet another fashion season. 

We, Your Closet, would like to know what you are doing to precipitate losing those extra baby pounds? What are your long term goals? We fear we will find ourselves in your next garage sale. We would like to avoid this possibility, but can only do so with your help. Six weeks seems ample time.

Please, for all of Our sakes, pull it together--and pull us out of the closet!

Sincerely,

The Skinny Jeans in the back of your Closet